who wants a hump day treat?

click here for a delightful tale from ben @ no ordinary rollercoaster.

This is a long post with very few (or no) pictures.

You’ve been warned.

Now and then, people ask me, “um, why is your blog called that?” That’s when I make a poorly-worded, overly brief description that likely makes little enough sense to get people to stop asking questions.

By the way: one day I’m going to be one of those people that can tell long-winded stories with superfluous detail and witty observations but for some reason, I usually just give the Cliff Notes version of just about everything when I’m talking in person. I don’t know why.

Anyway, my blog has this title for a couple reasons.

First: It’s original.

It used to be called, “I’m just saying.” There are a host of blogs out there called that, and I needed a new one.

There’s an app for that. (No, there isn’t.)

I asked my adorable British roommate what I say a lot. What’s a phrase so Holly that everyone will know it’s MY blog and maybe even get picked up by the Googles one day? She said, “if I were really skinny…” would be brill. So I went with it.

The phrase “if I were really skinny” became a joke to my friends and me months earlier because we started using it as an excuse for avoiding basically anything. Por ejemplo:

“Metallic gladiator sandals? If I were really skinny I would totally wear those.”
“Razored pixie haircut? If I were really skinny it would look good on me.”

You get the idea.

We knew it sounded ridiculous. It’s stupid to put off making a fashion statement just because you aren’t a size 2, but since it was a little bit funny, we kept saying it until it wasn’t anymore.

So, I titled my blog this because a) I say “if I were really skinny…” regularly, and b) I do everything my adorable British roommate tells me to.

Secondly: I believe in it.

Two of my favorite quotes are,

“80 percent of life is just showing up.” –Woody Allen
“This life is more than just a read-through.” – The Red Hot Chili Peppers (which I don't even listen to, btw)

I think it’s important to make the day count and live like you mean it and all that inspirational quote business, but going at 100% full force all the time isn’t realistic, and it isn’t smart. When you can’t go at full speed, that’s where just showing up becomes important. Because sometimes, it's all you have the energy for. And often, it's really all you need to do to build momentum to make things happen.

For example, would I enjoy being really skinny?

Sure. Almost every woman I know would like to lose that last 5, 10, 20 pounds.

Are there realistic, steady things I can do to push myself in that direction?

Uh-huh.

Can I put off enjoying my life until I’ve reached that aspiration?

Absolutely not.

I think though, that more people do this than we want to admit. We live in a world where people punish themselves for their imperfections to the point that they become crippled to improve on those weaknesses. We walk among people who believe they don’t deserve to be happy. We all have friends or loved ones who believe their lives will be complete once they have the looks or things or money that they think they ought to have – things they see other people with.

It’s madness, people. If you’re looking into the future to a day when you’ll finally be happy, that day will never come.

You do realize that…right?

If you can't find a way to be happy today, why do you think you'll be able to do it later?

Which is why when I heard Carrie Bradshaw find peace with her boss at Vogue, I knew I had found the perfect counterpart to “if I were really skinny…”

“Maybe the most any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we’ve been given and accessorize the outfit we’ve got.”

Thank you, Carrie. Your wisdom is truly the Woody to my Chili Peppers.

And now you know why my blog is titled the way it is. A paradox that makes perfect sense to me.

And now if you'll excuse me, the elliptical trainer and a weekend of diversions are calling my name.

Have a lovely Memorial Day weekend!

if you’re getting married…

if any of you are getting married (ahem, kathleen), PLEASE make a wedding video like this one i saw on a cup of jo:

Brian & Eileen's Wedding Music Video. from LOCKDOWN projects on Vimeo.

call me senator pratt; i only twit the facts.

don’t worry – that’s a line from spencer pratt’s new rap single.

mmhmm.

after a week of nothing about myself or others shocking me to my core, this is the bomb that finally gets me to blog.

speidi’s more diabolical half has a single out.

and people are talking.

j in cali says, “this kind of makes me want to kill myself.”

this article will point you to the audio.

you’re welcome

…or…

i’m sorry.

either way…i hope you have a great day.

An icy diet coke with a side of chocolate cake donut is not an acceptable lunch.

I just wanted to assure the universe that I am aware of this simple truth.

As you were.

life lessons from my mom.

happy weekend/mother’s day!

my mom is the best mom in the world. i’m sorry, other moms, but it’s just the truth. and the truth hurts, but the truth will set you free.

so just accept it.

my mom has taught me many a fabulous lesson, and here is a sampling:

you don’t buy curtains – you make curtains.
if you skimp on sleep, you’re missing out on one of the greatest joys in life.
most good dishes start with garlic sautéing in the bottom of the pan with some olive oil.

love you, mom! thanks for your constant love and support.

now everyone, go hug your mom. or dedicate a blog post to her. or something. and have a great weekend!

have i mentioned lately that i love music?

last summer was an awesome summer. one for the ages, to say the least.

why, you ask?

to be honest, it’s really none of your business.

(do you like what i did there? dangle scintillating information right in front of you only to rip it away mere seconds later?)

well ok, since i tell my blog everything, i’ll tell you that last summer was the summer of funny friends, watching movies on the lawn, bonfires up the canyon, late night visits to secret eateries that to this day remain unnamed, my adorable british roommate, girls’ nights out at w lounge, boys that made us hate boys, boys that made us love boys, the sisterhood of the traveling pants 1 & 2, cheesecake factory day, a really good tan, the building of friendships i’m certain will last a lifetime and one of the best summer soundtracks ever, including:

paper planes by m.i.a.

we had this little ditty on a pretty heavy rotation. i’d say i definitely heard it at least twice a day for those four months. we couldn’t get enough. it was our jam. and the whole world’s jam but nonetheless – our jam. we rocked to it nonstop and couldn’t help but dance every time.

and then one day, it was penny’s last day in the us before heading off to start her master’s in london, so we did the most utah thing we could think of: we went to café rio. and wouldn’t you believe, paper planes came on the radio as soon as we all got in the car. it was a bittersweet moment. the end of a season. we all had things on our minds. we knew the summer couldn’t last forever and were looking forward to whatever came next, but still…the future can be scary.

we didn’t talk much while we listened to the song for the millionth time, and maybe because we were all feeling a little pensive, we listened to the lyrics. um, for the first time. when the song was over, it was penny who spoke first.

“i can’t believe this was the theme song of our summer.”

neither could any of us, really.

i wouldn’t really say that the song has the best message.

but i heard it today for the first time in a long time, and themes of burglary and murder aside, it did make me feel oh so nostalgic.

There’s an app for that.

I kind of think that there are many borderline funny jokes to be made for years to come from this catchphrase.

But regardless of that, am I taking crazy pills here? Because (and forgive me, people who know me in real life for the broken record) as far as I can tell, on the iPhone commercials I see, all the apps seem to be just like the gift cards of Internet currency.

You know how a gift card is just like cash, but more restrictive?

I feel the same way about these iPhone apps. As a reminder: I still don’t have an iPhone, so what do I know anyway? But still. Go with me. Most of the time, it just seems like some genius figured out how to let you browse only one Web page, and then they call it an app.

I think the commercial goes something like:

Commercial: Need to check snow conditions on the mountain? There’s an app for that.
Me: YEAH, IT’S CALLED THE INTERNET!
Commercial: Want to know exactly how many calories were in your lunch? There’s an app for that.
Me: UH-HUH! THE INTERWEB!
Commercial: Need to remember exactly where you parked the car? There’s an app for that.
Me: THIS IS WHERE HAVING A BRAIN COMES IN HANDY.

Am I up in the night? This is the part where iPhone fans educate and save me from my ignorant ways. Why do I need this thing?

dear celebrities,

i love your post-baby workout plans. especially you, rebecca romijn and your little feature on us weekly today. losing 60 pounds without a workout plan? well…fine, let’s go ahead and say that. but this?

chasing her four-month-old twins has kept her too busy to hit the gym, anyway.

that’s even better. you know how those four-month-olds run around like crackheads. hopping fences, stealing cars, getting tattoos, knocking over convenience stores…man, four-month-olds are the hardest to contain of all.

keep it up. really, godspeed to all of you chasing after those cunning, runaway four-month-olds.

best regards,

hollylynn

“Dr. Leo Spaceman…”

Lately, my eyesight has been deteriorating.
Or so I thought.

When I’m at church, I can’t make out the features of the people who are sitting at the front.
At least I don’t think I can.

When I’m looking at a PowerPoint projected onto the wall during a Web meeting at work, I can’t really read the slides.
Pretty sure I’m right about this.

So today I went to see an eye doctor we’ll call Dr. Leo Spaceman. Fellow 30 Rock fans know Leo for several gems of wisdom, including but not limited to:

“Medicine is not a science.”
“If there’s one thing I’ve always said, it’s that humans need more animal blood!”
Is it true that bread rots your brain? “We may never know, because the powerful bread lobby keeps stopping my research!”

My own Dr. Spaceman looked me in the eye and told me my eyes were perfect, and that “this exam is TOPS!”

This is my problem with the eye exam process: as a literate adult, I am extremely familiar with the alphabet, and can confidently identify a letter when placed before me. So…just because I see something and can judge by the smudgy outline that it’s a T, for example, doesn’t mean that my eyes are TOPS. Because you know, I can’t see faces and stuff. And in a lot of those “camera one, camera two” exercises, just because one was better than the other doesn’t mean that either was good.

Which is what I told Dr. Spaceman. And you know what he said? Ahem, “sometimes, our eyes just don’t see as well as we think they should.”

Uh-huh. That’s why people get contacts.

And then he tried making me feel guilty, saying, “some people can’t even see this.” And he scrolled to the line that looks like this:

E

And there are starving people in China.