a stammering idiot.

is what i look like when people ask me any of the following questions:

1. so, what do you like to do in your spare time?
2. what kind of music do you like?
3. what is your favorite movie?

because chello - can you bottle sunshine? can you spell a smile? can you draw love?

you can't. no one can.

plus, in fairness, i could answer these questions but then no one would like me.

1. watch tv and blog stalk
2. whiny teen alternative and anything with kanye west
3. mean girls. i can't believe you even asked.

but that all makes me look pretty lame right?! i mean holy waste of a first impression. so i've resolved to get talking points. i'm in pr. i can do this.

once in college one of my professors made us decide what our values are. i bet you think you know what yours are but if i asked you, you'd look like a stammering idiot too.

"i think that people should just like, be good and do good things. and justice! totally justice. you know?"

wow, friend. did martin luther king jr. let you borrow his speechwriter? no?

so he had us call out values. there were probably about 100 on the whiteboard when all was said and done. then we had to write down all that really resonated with us. then narrow it down to 20, then 10, and then 5. and i still remember mine (although the professor's name escapes me):

truth.

tolerance.

beauty.

humor.

love.

what are yours?*

*which begs the question, "if i don't tell you what mine are will you think i don't have values?" the answer is yes. so you better look in the mirror.

meat is the new bread!

i have a feeling that a lot of you missed this video because my blog did something screwy and put this video a few posts down. but you need to watch it.
yay alec baldwin
yay tina fey
yay tracy jordan...eh...morgan
yay yay yay

30 Rock - The Meat Machine Movies & TV SPIKE.com

oh, what’s that?

ahem...the following is a post i wrote today airing grievances (i know, i know...festivus isn't for months) before the nice boys at geek squad helped me connect to the internet.

sorry, did you just ask me how very debilitating it is to have your home internet stop working when the comcast tech comes to set up your home network and then you can't figure out how to get it running again for several days including a weekend? yeah, thought i heard that.

thanks for asking.

seriously, you’re great.

to answer your question, it’s hellacious. i have to stay late at work to take care of all my non-business-related business. i have to save up all my sa-weet blog ideas in my handy dandy notebook during the evenings/weekends/whenevers and pray i remember all the witty nuances i wanted to capture the next day after 5 when i can blog my little heart out, then schedule my posts to come out little by little so it looks natural.

but i do it because i am a woman obsessed.

you want it, you got it.

kind of.

in line with the results of the latest skinny poll, i turned off the auto-start on my blog music player. see? i listen!

but there’s one thing. i’m really self-righteous about my music. i’m like a californian. (love you long time, cali readers but you know it’s true.) but instead of prancing about proclaiming how much california is better than well, anywhere else, i parade about evangelizing my music. and let’s be honest, i get compliments about my music pretty regularly so…we’re gonna do something about it.

i’m going to tell you about songs i love now and again and make them the #1 spot on my little playlist to the right. and then i’m going to want your comments.

i would do song of the day but that’s waaaay too much commitment.

i would do song of the week but that’s a little too lazy.

so, stay tuned. i’m mulling it over and taking suggestions.

teehee.

today i made some chicken in my george foreman grill and it reminded me of the tracy jordan meat machine. and i got really excited for 30 rock to start up on oct. 30.

30 Rock - The Meat Machine Movies & TV SPIKE.com

an explanation.

i don’t ski.

and it’s not because i’m an “indoor girl” and it’s not because i don’t take risks. it’s not that i don’t like sports or that i am worried about ruining my manicure.

i don’t ski because i know that if i ever tried, i would injure myself.

and then i’d really be sorry.

this is the girl who has burned herself with a curling iron in the exact same spot twice within a two month window.

this is the girl who got hit in the face with a baseball bat the first time she ever went to a baseball game.

this is the girl who has never played catch without taking a baseball to the nose (now i’ll never be a teen model).

i support myself. if i don’t take care of me then no one will. i can’t justify being carefree when the possible cost is a broken leg…or face. pretty hard to fight the good fight with a femur that’s snapped in half.

so sorry. i’m probably going to continue not skiing.

but if a guy is cute enough he could probably talk me into it. just saying.

a letter of apathy.

dear hair,

this is just to say that i don’t hate you today.

dget too excited about it or anything. i did expend a significant amount of effort to make you look sleek and modern and let a ton of purple conditioner sit on you for like seven minutes last night so you wouldn’t look orange.

so you can’t take all that much credit, really.

i’m just saying, i don’t hate you. if i were really skinny you might look better on me but whatever. that’s all. i’m still going single process blonde at some point in the future. i don’t know that there’s a lot you can do to stop me.

but i can be bought in certain instances. i’m not above that.

regards,
hollylynn

yay whitney.

oh i love this.

and this.

thanks iheartyoublog.com for the foto.

the genius of stephanie pratt.

to take a page from the fugly book...

audrina: oh my gosh, can you believe that stephanie thought she could go out with doug and you wouldn't find out? does she not know that there are about 6 people in our universe and we're all super gossipy? oh and that everything we do is on tv?
lauren: i'm so removing stephanie from my five.
whitney: i can't believe i'm locked into a contract with you people and laughing is the only reaction that looks pretty on camera.

ok, i know i sounded a little negative when i said i didn't like the hills. you'll be happy to know i haven't given up, and there were a few key takeaways from this week's episode i'd like you to note.

1. no one in italy wears heels. i'm serious. don't even bother bringing them. {i learn a lot from lc}

2. if you go on a date with lauren's ex, audrina might not tell on you, but brody will. {stephanie not the brightest}

3. lo looks much better blond. {mourning my yellow hair}

4. "batman" should have been called "joker." {novel idea, spencer}

and up top is a photo with whitney in it. because i missed her, and there are about zero cute press pics of her out there.

it's a rule.

there's this rule i learned that i like to call the five dollars rule (not the 'whoa, twenty dollars!' rule, joellen). if someone tells you a story that's really lame, they have to end it with, "and then i found five dollars." because then even though they told you a lame story, they still found five dollars.

and finding five dollars is not lame.

finding five dollars is sa-weeeet.

one time i found twenty dollars in my jeans pocket and i about passed out from excitement. c'mon. you know. here's an example of the five dollars rule in action:

once there was a girl named hollylynn who worked at a job that sometimes has quite a high pressure quotient (but i could be wrong because i'm really bad at math). one tuesday, the only personal call she got all day was a life insurance salesman and then she had an (un)intelligent debate with an intern about which episode of the oc played which imogen heap song...

...and then she found five dollars.

and that's how it's done. try using it in conversation today.

you're welcome.

a sunday stroll, or attack of the puppy snatchers.

yesterday as i strolled through my neighborhood, minding my own business, i happened upon the sweetest little twee puppy i've ever seen, not unlike the one here. i'm pretty sure his name was cappy. i wanted to scoop him up and run like a bat out of hell into the safety of my apartment and keep him forevah.

his owners had let him just sit out on the porch(someone call the aspca) which i see as grounds for me giving him a new home. also, he was following me, so you know.

and i don't even like animals. just saying.

happy birthday, erin!

new blog tradition - shoutout to my people on their birthdays.
today is erin's birthday.

three things you should know about erin:

1. she gets a high from cleaning (and not just because she's breathing bleach).

2. she is witty beyond her years and always down for some good, clean fun.

3. she is my psychic friend. when we see someone at the mall lookin a little special, we make eye contact and instantly know what the other is thinking.

happy birthday, erin! heart you hardcore!

wishful dreaming?

the other night i had a dream that i was a "blog of note," and that my most recent posts got like 100 comments apiece.

i woke up pretty darn proud of myself.

revelation.

tonight at the gym, i realized something. my perfect man has his looks:

and his personality:

...have you seen him?

just thinking.

text messaging: a new creation for people who want to say things without committing, yet don't mind having those things in writing.

am i being punk'd?

somewhat accurate transcript of a customer support call i put in today:

customer service: how may i help you?
me: yeah, i was just calling to confirm that participants to my audio conference will be able to use the toll number you've provided, even if they call from europe. on the confirmation it just lists the us and canada.
customer service: yes; that number works for anywhere in the world, as long as you use the correct country code.
me: ok great, thanks for your help.
customer service: can you give me your meeting url please?
me: ummm sure...where would i find that?
customer service: the url. a url is like a website address. (no, really? go on. your knowledge excites me!)
me: right. i see several urls here on my confirmation.
customer service: well what website did you go to to schedule your conference?
me: ummm....your company website? is this a trick question?
customer service: and what url did you go to before that?
me: i don't know...jcrew.com? facebook? spatula-city.com? are you high?
cusotmer service: and just to confirm your meeting, can i please have the last four digits of the sandwich you ate for lunch?
me: wait...am i high? ashton?

yeah, i know.

this is an article.

someone wrote this.

someone wrote this article and thought people would read it.

i read it.

it says this: mario lopez is not going shirtless anymore.

so don't even ask.

matthew mcConaughey, it's all up to you now. you carry the fate of the shirtless man in american culture squarely on your shoulders.

ok, that was great.

seriously, all my people, good times. way to comment your little heart out with the chick flick quotes. not that this was a contest, but seriously, isn't everything a contest, but alex wins for her quote, also from whms (when harry met sally - i am trying to use more abbrevs). ahem:

"The fact that you're not answering leads me to believe you're either (a) not at home, (b) home but don't want to talk to me, or (c) home, desperately want to talk to me, but trapped under something heavy. If it's either (a) or (c), please call me back."

harry is such a nerd. does anyone find it shocking that this was billy crystal's leading man role? because i'm totally not shocked. or am i totally off base here. was he ever like a richard gere or anything? because i really can't think of a single other time he played the romantic lead...i mean...right? not that harry's specific brand of neuroses isn't at all appealing. heaven knows i can get a little crazy at times.

a love letter.

dear coke fridge at my office,

i don't know what has brought on this change, but i love it. for the past two days, not only have you stocked abundant amounts of diet coke, but you have managed to hold them at optimum coldness so that when i pop the top open, ice starts to form.
i like that.
i like you.
thank you, coke fridge at my office.

xoxo
hollylynn

can't sleep.

so i'm watching what may be the best chick flick of all time, when harry met sally. nora ephron can really write a girl movie. whenever i watch a chicky film and love it, it's always nora's writing that ropes me in and keeps me begging for more. best line of this film:

i came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

too bad no one talks like that but whatev. i love it anyway. what do you think? best line from a chick flick is...leave me a comment. very curious about your thoughts.

bad news.

hey everyone, bad news. it turns out that i don't even like the hills anymore. i just watch it because it is the last season, and i've made a commitment to the show that i'd like to honor. jacqueanne feels the same way i do. we discussed it at length and decided that we will continue in solidarity through the end of the season.

i do, however, LOVE the i *heart* you recaps of the hills each week. thanks, mindi, for pointing me over there a couple weeks ago. my vote would be to have i *heart* you continue putting out recaps even after the show has wrapped. she could totally guess at what the story line would be each week.

it's not that complicated.

even a caveman could do it.

well maybe not a caveman but definitely pretty much any girl i know.

aaaaand just an fyi. if you do a google images search for "lauren conrad whitney port" this pic comes up...linked to my blog. i am so cool. that's all.

good news!

good news, everyone. if you miss the last half of gossip girl because your friends guilt you into going to fhe, you can totally catch it again on sunday afternoon.

and then you can stick around for one tree hill...if the home teachers don't come over. or even if they do, if they like one tree hill.

blair and chuck - i can hardly wait for the next installment. be good to me...be good to me...if your adorable coordinating citrus-colored jackets are any indication, tonight just might be tv nirvana.

going green.

last night i got two calls from a landline in salt lake that i didn’t recognize. no message. i was intrigued so i called back.

it was a very nice, elderly-sounding man from the salt lake trib/des news wondering if i’d like to take the paper again.

sidenote: of all the companies of which i’ve been a customer, the sl trib is second only to nissan in phone spam. just an fyi.

anyhooha, he had all kinds of configurations and options for me, mostly costing about six dollahs a month.

my heart went out to the sweet man, earnestly peddling his newspapers, because it reminded me of newsies, which automatically made me think of my boyfriend christian bale singing longingly of santa fe.

but seriously, all the paper amounts to for someone like me is a lot of wasted paper, where i’m so plugged into the www all the time to get my news. unless i decide to start doing a whole lotta paper mache…and a LOT of paper mache that would be…etsy shop of my own, here we come…

the dear man told me to keep his phone number, just in case i was ever interested.
surely will, friend.
surely will.

redecorating.

so, i changed some stuff up. how do you like? if you're only reading me via bloglines or google reader or something like this, why don't you stop on by to the real thing and have a look at what i've done with the place.

is the white too vast? i think it might be too cold and boring (and not in a good way). do you have the sense that you might fall right off the edge of the white page? these are my fears.

since i don't really have the space to be creative with my actual home, i feel the need to be creative with my virtual home. so, stay awhile. tell me what you think. help yourself to an extra-cold diet coke. it's been waaaay in the back of the fridge waiting for you all day.

seriously?

tonight at a provo party we lied and told some boy that one of us was turning 19 that day and he said: "wow, you're still under warranty!" seriously? and i think i want to find one of these clowns to keep for myself?

casino jail.

kids, when you get older, your body will begin to change. your hair will get very long and shiny, and mtv may let you drive what some grownups call a "mercedes benz."

you may have urges to befriend other shiny-haired girls and boys will love you. boy will they ever love you. but be careful, because boys are only interested in one thing: that's right. i think you're grown up enough to know that the only thing these boys want from you is your fame and to use your tv show to one day have their own spinoff.

these boys may land in jail while you're celebrating a birthday party in las vegas, but listen to mommy: before you call the bail bonds store, check to make sure they're not just down in the casino jail pressing charges against a drunk man who punched doug in the shoulder.

if you have any questions, please know that i love you and am here for you.

pythons don't bite.

this weekend while i was at the utah state fair looking at the cows, a dear man who appeared to be on staff at the fair told me three important things that i will now impart to you:

1. don't let your kid stand behind a cow even if you think the cow isn't looking, because it will get nervous and kick your kid in the face.

2. while you're sleeping by the river, you may find a beaver with a tail this wide.

3. while you're sleeping by the river, you may see a 20-, no 22-foot python slither right out of the water. but don't worry, because pythons don't bite.

that's right. a python that size will just swallow you whole.

and now you know.

safety lid?

the other day while going through my purse, i found that the entire travel-sized bottle of aleve that i keep with me just in case had spilled, blue pills littering my bag like jimmies on a cupcake.

kind of funny that a bottle with a cap that's supposed to outsmart children, in the name of safety, can jiggle loose just bouncing around in my purse.

follow me!

hey, do me a favor and go to the little gadget on the right side of my blog and follow me...if you like to keep up with my blog...so i don't look like such a loser.

frills you guys.

so, my fav little diamond rings have been missing a while. to placate myself, i decided maybe i'd buy a new watch. so i went to the buckle and found one i love and visit it from time to time. i told john walker (at the buckle), "if i dream about this tonight then i will buy it tomorrow."

wanna know what i dreamed about that night?

well i will tell you.

first of all, i'm driving around town in some champagne colored compact sedan with some person i've never met and my best friend from third grade, who inexplicably has a pixie haircut. she sits in the back seat and doesn't say a thing the whole time. i need to drive her to kaysville. but first we had to drop off at a wedding reception where i saw a boy who i went out with in high school. he was registering people for the wedding reception (because that makes total sense. it's my dream. deal with it.) and he is very intent on me checking my email and i promise i will. we keep driving to kaysville when, silly me, i forget about the open mine shaft in the middle of the freeway and we fall right into it - embarrassing! but don't worry. the car landed on a massive pile of tootsie rolls so there was no damage done to the car, me, my mystery friend or my old friend mccall with the pixie haircut.

long story short, i didn't buy the watch.

also, if you want some funny reading about dreams, check out stephanie's blog.

this is why i'm hot.

today i was paying for my icy diet coke at 7-11 when jon the cashier told me that my necklace was very nice and that it matched my dress perfectly.

AND that i had good fashion sense.

this might be the most memorable thing that has ever happened to me while buying an icy diet coke at 7-11.

the end.

deeply apologetic.

dear dan, serena, blair, chuck (especially you), nate, little j, eric, lily and rufus,

i'm really sorry that i didn't give you the shoutout that you deserved much much sooner. it's just that...

look, there's no easy way to say this, so i'm just going to put it out there, ok? it's just that when i saw the season premiere of gossip girl on monday, it reminded me how much i love you, and it scared me. and i didn't know how to react.

xoxo

hollylynn

umm...

dear new 90210,
i find my feelings for you best summed up by a quote from the premiere episode:
i'm not breaking up with you; i'm breaking up with us.
xoxo,
hollylynn

gold star.

ok, the hills, ok. i give.

this week's episode was actually good, albeit by my admittedly low expectations. no birthday parties. a few thoughts:

1. way to go, whit! the boss is setting you up on dates...surely a good sign, no? and he's cute, too. very "i hiked mt. kilimanjaro before meeting you here for this martini." i say play that new-girl-in-town angle as long as possible. i think homeboy would love to help out.

2. heidi's had her lips done. congratu-flippin-lations, heidi. you now have no original parts. (also, not that i care about you At All, but spencer...who is doing your hair? i think aunt joellen who doesn't have a mom haircut could really help you out. and where be your flesh-colored beard??)

3. lc: hats off to you, too, lauren. you are such a good friend that stephanie chose you over her own brother (not that anyone blames her). additionally, could not be happier about your more natural hair color these days but your breakup with doug was horrendous.

are you secretly dating brody?

please start.

and i don't even like brody.

no but seriously, date brody.

i'm going to blog about that.

all my people,

probably at least two times a day, i'll be talking to someone and get onto a hot-button issue then say, "ooo...i'm going to blog about that." and then i never do.

because let's be honest, i probably offend enough people with the shallow ramblings i do post. if i actually took a stand here on the blog about things that matter, i'd probably alienate everyone in my life, eventually.

so, sorry. you'll continue getting an eyeful of speidi and serena van der woodsen, because they're easy topics. not to mention the fact that i really do think about them pretty often.

xoxo
hollylynn