Off the sauce. Kind of.

So here's the problem I've been having.

(By the way, hi! How are you? I sure ruined my solid streak of almost-daily posting, but after the return of 30 Rock, I've been in my own little world the past five days experiencing a little something I like to call NIRVANA. Liz, Jack, Tracy, Kenneth - especially you, Jenna and Josh...so nice to have you back.)

The problem I've been having is that I think I have a stomach ulcer thing.

(Don't you LOVE how I feel the need to detail all my physical ailments on the Internet?)

I'm fine and everything; I mean, I used to get these things in college and I know the drill. So I guess the problem really is my...how do you say...caffeine headaches?

I know, I know.

Diet Coke is really this big of a part of my life.

This is real.

Because I'm taking my meds and I'm skipping all meals with anything fatty, spicy, acidic or dairy-based (this is a new one). Basically maintaining a steady diet of saltine crackers and other white flour-spun food items. But when I drink a Diet Coke, it un-does the Prilosec. Also, it hurts.

But then I get cranky in the afternoon, because of the caffeine headache.

So I just drink a little bit of Diet Coke but I make sure it has some saltines to land on in my stomach. So far, I feel pretty ok about this plan.

Lest you think I am reaping any sort of reward from this private hell of mine, let me assure you that my saltine diet has thus far yielded a zero pound weight loss.

I am going to be so shocked if anyone comments on this post. Seriously, I don't even know why I wrote it, except to say:

Let this be a lesson to you, children. Contingency plans. Have them. If my just-a-little-bit-of-Diet-Coke-on-a-non-empty-stomach plan inspires even just one soul, it will have been worth it.

And also it was worth it anyway.

I'm going to stop typing now.